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Warning: this is sick, sarcastic, sexist, and uses bad words. If your Mum won't let you read bad words, don't go any further.
More Serious Warning: Reader discretion mandated. This text is obviously very tongue-in-cheek, and should not be taken at face value (please look up and understand sarcasm before reading further). This is meant to be satirical of the absurdity of stereotypes, and more than a little motivated by exasperation. If any of this text offends you, we're probably on the same side.

In times past, Greek sexuality was thought to involve the kind of debauchery the Marquis de Sade only saw in the wettest of his many wet dreams. Alas, this is seemingly no longer the case.

When the sexual diver plunges into the sea of Greek Sexuality, he or she should be well-equipped to handle a world unlike any other. Previous experience with any particular sexuality, subculture or scene cannot prepare one for the cultural shock. This dictionary attempts to shed some light on some of the terminology. Dear reader, please be aware that words and terms you may be intimately familiar with take on entirely new meanings in Greece. Many of these meanings clash with your previous experience (and indeed, many clash with each other).

This lexicon has been compiled after careful (and, often, painful) research into the murky depths of Greek sexuality. The full gamut of scientific methodology has been brought to bear to acquire this veritable cornucopia of esoterica: interviewing, observation, experimentation, and on occasion, honest, unabashed flight in terror.

Female Sexuality

Bi-Curious, adj. [no Gk. term, use Eng.]. “I'm only bi-curious!”:
  1. highly mutable, short-lived sexuality that manifests itself in the inherently short interval between a lesbian's advance and a straight girl's quick exit.
Bisexual, adj./n. = Gk. “αμφιφυλόφιλη” aɱfifi'lofili:
  1. a Greek female born after 1979 and older than nine years. Cf. straight, bi-curious.
  2. A female who is obviously well-versed in pleasing both sexes, is promiscuous, into orgies, exceptionally easy, always ready for sex, has no preference, and must always have sex with both genders simultaneously (“you had one-on-one sex with a guy? Well, you're straight then”).
  3. Undecided, confused.
  4. A straight woman who is disillusioned with men until next Thursday.
  5. A straight woman who is just open sexually.
Bottom, adj./n. [no Gk. term, use Eng.]:
  1. (BDSM) someone who owns the Bottoming Book and has yet to experience the glory that is the Pyramid of BDSM Enlightenment, thus has not come out as a slave.
  2. A submissive denizen of the cities of San Francisco or New York.
  3. A lipstick lesbian.
Domme, adj./n. = Gk. “κυρίαρχη” (n., ki'riarxi), “κυριαρχική” (adj., kiriarxi'ki):
  1. A dominant woman who is still shopping around for a flogger.
  2. A professional dominatrix. To avoid the confusion, it is absolutely essential for women to acquire a flogger early on in their ascent of the BDSM Pyramid of Enlightenment, lest they are accused of receiving money for play.
Dyke, n. = “ανδροπρεπής λεσβία” anðropre'pis lez'via (lit. masculine-like lesbian):
  1. one of the two strict sub-categories of female homosexuals. Dykes are gay women who failed to qualify as lipstick lesbians due to some minor physical imperfection. These accursed, doomed souls are then forced by the Law of Lesbianism (One Dyke, One Lipstick Lesbian) to change their body chemistry (and their bodies) to closely resemble Real Men in every way conceivable (the jury of Real Men is still out on whether this emulation is abominable or acceptable). To compensate for their expulsion from the ranks of the only lesbians who can have FFM threesomes, dykes are always active in bed, and do everything from giving their partners orgasms to fixing the car. A dyke may never establish a sexual or romantic relationship with another dyke. Because dykes are essentially men, such a heinous act would make them gay. Gay man-like lesbian women. The most famous dyke is Boy George.
Heterosexual; Hetero; Straight, adj. = Gk. “ετεροφυλόφιλη” eterofi'lofili [common but erroneous use “ετερόφιλη” ete'rofili, ‘female who likes (the) other(s)’]:
  1. a girl who purports to be bisexual, teases a lesbian until she is aroused, then runs away on perfect, gym-toned thighs when the lesbian tries to kiss her (or, heavens forbid, anything worse).
  2. A mythical sexual orientation, which only a few out-of-fashion perverts claim to adhere to.
Homosexual, adj./n. = “ομοφυλόφιλη” omofi'lofili:
  1. see lesbian.
Kinky, adj. = Gk. “βιτσιόζα” vit͡sʝ'oza:
  1. someone who likes to use fuzzy handcuffs, or, in stunningly extreme cases, a strap-on.
  2. A woman who needs professional help.
  3. A foreigner.
  4. A member of the kinkystatus’, the most despised, lowest non-vanilla group of people. Distinguishable from this lemma because the status ‘kinky’ uses the untranslated, Eng. word. If this seemingly contradictory definition confuses you, despair not: confusion simply means you are vanilla.
Lesbian, adj./n. = Gk. “λεσβία” lez'viaSo you're a lesbian? Can I fuck you and your girlfriend then?”:
  1. the sexuality that terrorises bisexual girls. Lesbians seem to have developed the appallingly disgusting habit of being sexually attracted to the same sex, and acting upon it. They refuse to run when confronted by a non-lesbian woman who tries to arouse them. They may even reach out to kiss them. What disgusting, unchristian bitches. They say a lesbian will actually have sex with another woman. Naked. In the same bed. Without men present. Some subversives have even gone so far as to claim lesbians don't want to be fucked by a man.
  2. A straight woman who is rebuffing male advances for tenuous (and obviously wrong) reasons.
  3. A woman who hasn't been fucked by me yet. Since I am God's gift to women, sex with a lesbian would instantly show her The Error Of Her Unholy Ways, thereby restoring her to the natural state for a female, bisexuality.
  4. A woman who won't have sex with me.
  5. (in Eng.) Someone or (in Gk.) a woman who hails from the island of Lesbos. Thanks to the disgusting practices of that whore of Babylon, Sappho, the (upper case) Lesbians were forced to rename their island to Mytilene (“Μυτιλήνη” miti'lini). That having done nothing to thwart neither semantic larseny nor hordes of German dykes visiting, the (upper case) Lesbians then proceeded to sue (what they thought was) all (lower case) lesbians for defaming their island. To great amusement, it transpired that entity they actually filed their suit against was a group of (upper case) Athenian (lower case) lesbians who were using the (lower case) term the way everyone understands it the world over. The transcripts of this homeric epic of a legal battle must have been among the finest specimens of court-house comedy since the Greek law inadvertently banning chess in public. But that is another story.
Lesbian, lipstick, n. = “θηλυπρεπής λεσβία” θilipre'pis lez'via (lit. feminine lesbian):
  1. one of the two strict sub-categories of female homosexuals, the equivalent of male homosexuals. Gay women of exceptional beauty belong to this category. Thus, female homosexuals who happen to be beautiful are completely passive in their love and sex life, relying on a dyke for everything, from giving them orgasms to fixing the car. If two women actually partnered is an atrocity, two lipstick lesbians is doubly so (it is, however, the futile fantasy of every Real Man). One lipstick lesbian, one dyke — It's the Law. The most famous lipstick lesbian is Angelina Jolie.
Mistra, n. = Gk. “μίστρα” 'mistra:
  1. Gk. noun borrowed from Eng. mistress. Invariably derogatory. The Gk. suffix ‘–ες’ (–es) is used for feminine nouns in the plural and matches the ending of ‘mistress’. Starting with the plural, the rest of the noun may be reconstructed as follows:
    Case Declension IPA
    Sng. Nom. η Μίστραi·'mistra
    Gen. της Μίστραςtiz·'mistras
    Acc. τη(ν) Μίστραti(n)·'mistra
    Voc. Μίστρα'mistra
    Pl. Nom. οι Μίστρεςi·'mistres
    Gen. των Μιστρώνton·mistr'on
    Acc. τις Μίστρεςtiz·'mistres
    Voc. Μίστρες'mistres
    Matters of etymology aside, a mistra follows a very strict code of conduct befitting her illustrious person. A mistra must take on a suitable moniker prefixed by ‘Goddess’, ‘Mistress’, with optional adjectives such as ‘Divine’. A mistra must be a professional. A mistra never smiles. Smiling is for the vanilla. A mistra never kisses anyone. A mistra never has sex—that would be submission. And above all, a mistra is never, under any circumstances whatsoever allowed to enjoy herself. This code of conduct is naturally imposed and enforced by herself, but She (arbitrarily capitalised pronouns are de rigueur here) will often bring it to bear on others as a means of demonstrating her superiority.
Mistress, n. = Gk. “αφέντρα” af'endra:
  1. as kinky, but also owns a riding crop and likes to have her feet licked.
Pansexual, adj.:
  1. an elitist bisexual.
  2. Someone with a cooking fetish.
Pervert, adj. = Gk. “ανώμαλη” a'nomali:
  1. as Mistress, but knows how to use the crop, can tie a karada, and likes group sex.
  2. A woman who needs professional help very urgently indeed.
  3. A foreigner who's been to German Fetish clubs. Nota Bene: this is different to the universally abhorred ‘perv’ ‘status’.
Slut, n.:
  1. a woman who is or appears to be promiscuous and may well consent to getting fucked by me (cf. whore).
  2. What I wish every woman would be.
  3. The product of abuse or extreme training, a woman who has been so abused that actually revels in her sexuality and has the legs for short skirts.
  4. A woman who can pull off short skirts better than me and knows it.
  5. A woman of questionable virtues and æsthetics, bane and nemesis of all other people, who are veritable saints and virgins.
Slave, adj./n. = Gk. “σκλάβα” (n., 'sklava):
  1. a submissive female who has given up all basic human rights. The slave's master makes every single decision for her. A real slave has absolutely no limits, and dismisses consent as a luxury for vanilla people, such as submissives. The slave has no control over her destiny. Why, if her master decided to kill her, she would willingly accept her predicament, because slaves are not entitled to possession. Not even of an instinct of self-preservation, or indeed common sense. A slave is required to be sexy and naked at all times. She is also to use six faux-romantic adjectives per noun. Adjectives like ‘moon-drenched’ and ‘soft-skinned’ are de rigueur. The ban on possessions is so complete, a true slave may not use possessive pronouns and may not refer to themselves using personal pronouns. This no doubt necessitates some linguistic gymnastics in day-to-day life.
Submissive, adj./n. = Gk. “υποτακτική” (n., ipotakti'ki):
  1. a female who aspires to reach the status of slave, but has not yet found a suitable master, or has trouble with the requisite linguistic flourishes. Submissives always play safe and sane, id est online.
  2. A female who otherwise qualifies for slavery but still holds on to the obsolete, vanilla, frigid European concept that consent is continuous, informed and necessary, and everyone has limits.
Top, adj./n. [no Gk. term, use Eng.]:
  1. (BDSM) someone who owns the Topping Book and has yet to experience the glory that is the Pyramid of BDSM Enlightenment, so she has not yet picked an actual BDSMstatus’. A BDSM practitioner in the larval stage.
  2. A dominant denizen of the cities of San Francisco or New York.
  3. A dyke.
Trendysexual, adj.:
  1. see Bisexual.
Transgender, adj.:
  1. see Lesbian.
Transsexual, adj.:
  1. see Transgender.
Whore, n.:
  1. a woman who is or appears to be promiscuous yet will not consent to getting fucked by me. Corollary: she must be stupid.
  2. What every woman is. Corrolary: all women must be stupid.

Male Sexuality

Bi-Curious, adj. [no Gk. term, use Eng.]:
  1. see Gay.
Bi; Bisexual, adj./n. = Gk. “αμφί” (am-'fi), “αμφιφυλόφιλος” amfifi'lofilos:
  1. as heterosexual, sense 2. Bisexual males are always “bi tops” (sic), which indicates they will have penetrative sex with another male, as long as both sides acknowledge the blatantly obvious facts that: (a) the person on the receiving end is absolutely and undeniably gay, and (b) the person on the giving end is absolutely and undeniably straight. The impeccable logic of this is subtle, and can only by grasped by a brain saturated with testosterone. Males who don't grasp the simplicity of this definition are deficient in testosterone, which means they have minuscule penises, and are probably also gay. The situation can be improved by getting fucked. Females are naturally low on testosterone, and hence always need to get fucked.
  2. A gay male.
Bottom, adj./n. [no Gk. term, use Eng.]:
  1. see Gay.
Cross-dresser, n.:
  1. see Transvestite. All males who cross-dress are by definition gay, and very camp at that. There is, in fact, no such thing as a cross-dressing fetish, or even a desire to shock or enjoy oneself by playing with traditional gender boundaries. A male can only cross gender boundaries once, and the inevitable result is a fate worse than death: homosexuality. This makes cross-dressing a practice used only for forced, soul-destroying humiliation, and one that can only be performed by a submissive or slave — and usually at gunpoint.
Dom, adj./n. = Gk. “κυρίαρχος” (n., ki'riarxos), “κυριαρχικός” (adj., kiriarxi'kos):
  1. someone who aspires to become a master, but still thinks of submissives as human beings, and has yet to acquire a flogger. As such, the dominant male is particularly fond of asserting ‘BDSM is a spiritual practice, played in the head and heart’, by which he implies that he indulges in this extreme form of play on-line, and on-line only.
Gay; Homosexual, adj./n. = Gk. “ομοφυλόφιλος” omofi'lofilos (and a list of derogatory synonyms so long they merit a separate publication on their own):
  1. a homosexual male who is so submissive, that, despite desiring males, never once gives pleasure to his lovers, preferring instead to go on all fours passively and get fucked. Besides, lavishing tenderness on his lover would be a lost cause, as the only people who fuck others are straight males and they hate that gay crap. Remember, should you be a male troubled by the possibility of being gay, truly a fate worse than death, ask yourself: “would I want to fuck a male?” If the answer is yes, then rejoice: you are a perfectly normal straight male, you only thought you were gay. However, beware: should anything at all touch your sphincter, you will immediately turn gay. The change is instantaneous, irreversible, and is one of the two real cases of mutable sexuality.
Gender-queer, n./adj.:
  1. see Transvestite.
Heterosexual; Hetero; Straight, adj. = Gk. “ετεροφυλόφιλος” eterofi'lofilos [common but erroneous use “ετερόφιλος” ete'rofilos, ‘male who likes (the) other(s)’]:
  1. the Way Nature Intended Men to Be: impregnating females, preferably in the missionary position, while fantasising about licking the feet of a mistress, or having a threesome where he fucks a couple of lesbians simultaneously.
  2. A male who will have penetrative sex with another male (on the giving side, naturally and exclusively).
  3. A man (the opposite of ‘gay’ being ‘man’).
Kinky, adj. = Gk. “βιτσιόζος” vit͡sʝ'ozos:
  1. a male who likes to be penetrated anally with a strap-on.
  2. A man who needs professional help.
  3. A foreigner.
  4. A member of the kinkystatus’, the most despised, lowest non-vanilla group of subhuman scum. Distinguishable from the above senses because the status ‘kinky’ uses the untranslated, Engilsh word and uses it as a noun, not an adjective: “Don't play with him, he's only a kinky.” If this sounds complicated, please don't let it worry you: it simply means you are vanilla and thus worse than even kinkies. (sic)
Master, n. = Gk. “αφέντης” af'endis:
  1. a man who owns a flogger. Considered mythical. Many reported sightings turned out to be foot-loving kinky males in disguise.
Master, Real, n.:
  1. unlike run-of-the-mill Masters, all aspects of a Real Master's conduct are governed by a code as strict as it is complex. Only a truly successful man can be a Real Master. One who is in any way subservient at home or work is unsuitable for this honour. Corollary: at the time of writing, the only Real Master is George Bush. One who displays any form of weakness is no Real Master. A Real Master does not kiss. A Real Master does not eat pussy (in fact, a Real Master never licks anything at all). A Real Master never has sex (but may receive oral sex). A Real Master never accounts for safety. Safety is for frigid Europeans. A Real Master shall have no fetishes. A Real Master never, ever, under any circumstances, engages in anything that could be construed as less than perfectly straight behaviour. A Real Master shall never engage in activities that may be performed by anyone other than a Real Master. Any Real Master who breaks this code will be stripped of rank and shall hitherto become a Slave. Maintaining the position of a Real Master is daunting, but comes with astounding rewards: slaves flock to the Real Master in droves (presumably for the richness of the experiences lavished upon them — provided they like giving oral for hours). Thus, every plain Master and Dominant male envies the position, but in vain: one is born a Real Master. The Real Master is recognised by his seemingly uncouth appearance, a ploy designed to hide his rich spirituality and devotion to the scene.
Master, True, n.:
  1. see Master, Real.
Pansexual, adj.:
  1. a straight male with a secret, shameful fantasy involving a transgendered person of the male-to-female persuasion. None of the adherents identify as such openly, for fear they may be mistaken for gay. The jury is still out on whether pansexuals fuck or are fucked.
Pervert, adj. = Gk. “ανώμαλος” a'nomalos:
  1. as Master, but knows how to use the flogger, can tie a karada, can maybe instill fear and awe, and likes group sex. Known to be as mythical as virgins, Father Christmas and the US Foreign Policy.
  2. A man who needs professional help very urgently indeed.
  3. A foreigner who's been to German Fetish clubs. Nota Bene: this is not the same as the universally abhorred ‘perv’ ‘status’.
Slave, adj./n. = Gk. “σκλάβος” (n., 'sklavos):
  1. a submissive who has made the consciousness-altering decision to play off-line. The slave has foregone the restrictions on extreme play, and has absolutely no limits. By which is assumed that, in addition to kneeling, and foot licking, light bondage and flogging are also acceptable. The slave is left with only one shred of dignity: his machismo. This machismo he brings to bear on every aspect of his predicament, especially in the extreme case of public play: it is considered a serious faux pas for a male slave to express any discomfort, be it verbally, or through body language. Even when his mistress flogs his face or threatens extreme activities (nipple clamps or wax play). It is understood that a slave who violates this requirement is no real slave, and will immediately be ejected from the mistress' protection in favour of one of the hundreds of slaves-in-waiting who really have no limits. The assertion that the male slave has no limits is lifted on one occasion only: when the mistress announces her plan to lend him to a gay man for the night.
Submissive, adj./n. = Gk. “υποτακτικός” (n., ipotakti'kos):
  1. a male who wishes to be on the receiving end of the ministrations of a Domme or a Mistress, but has a strong ethical background and wishes to play safe, sane and consensual. The codex of the male submissive requires that he indulges in no extreme play. Sanctioned activities are: kneeling; foot licking; Verbally But Audibly Capitalising Pronouns. End of list.
Top, adj./n. [no Gk. term, use Eng.]:
  1. (BDSM) someone who owns the Topping Book and has yet to experience the glory that is the Pyramid of BDSM Enlightenment, so she has not yet picked an actual BDSMstatus’.
  2. A bisexual male. Identifying as a ‘bi top’ is essential for any bisexual male, so as to avoid the almost inevitable assumption that he is, in fact, just gay. (this is doomed to failure; bisexual males are fooling no-one)
Transgender, adj.:
  1. see Gay.
Transsexual, n./adj.:
  1. see Transgender.
Transvestite, n.:
  1. see Transsexual.

Activities, Practices, & Paraphernalia

Amsterdam, n.:
  1. the capital city of Europe. If Europe is a magical place of Kink (which, to the shock of geographers and cartographers, excludes Greece), Amsterdam is the source of all this kink. Amsterdam is a truly magical place. All women are bisexuals with glorious feet, and either mistresses or slaves (this depends on who does the telling of the Lay of European Kink). All men are either Real Masters, or gone — again, depending on who does the telling. There is kinky sex in the streets (all the streets!), but never anything too extreme. Every party is a sex party, every encounter, no matter how mundane, ends in someone orgasming explosively. Possibly with a foot in his mouth, and never in the figurative sense. Sex toys are free, fetishistic clothing is abundant and cheap. This city is a gigantic fantasy, and it's free for all! For obscure reasons that have, so far, eluded even the author's most persistent research, no-one actually wants to go there.
To Be Fucked, v. = Gk. “γαμιέμαι” γam'ʝeme:
  1. what always happens to females and homosexual men during sex (after all, sex is nothing but penetration). Although at first glance, Kinky women with strap-ons are the ones doing the fucking, this is until one realises that any Real Man will immediately fuck the woman after she has had her depraved way with him, and fuck her hard. The latter penetration counts; the former does not. Sex must involve a live penis and flows from the penis owner to the fuckee. The verb ‘fuck’ is always used in the passive voice. In the active voice, it only agrees with a masculine subject. Gay subjects are not masculine.
BDSM, n.:
  1. encompasses a complex tapestry of intricately interrelated erotic activities a male strips, goes down on all fours, licks the feet of a mistress, who then flogs him no more than 15 times (more could be fatal), pegs him with a strap-on, and either allows him to masturbate to orgasm, or to fuck her. Because this is an incredibly advanced practice for the discerning sexual and sensual elite, it is usually performed on-line via webcam. This keeps the proceedings safe, sane and consensual. Any activities beyond this (or, indeed, any activities not performed on-line) are inherently unsafe and too extreme to be allowed by this most adventurous of communities. Extreme practitioners of BDSM are ostracised.
  2. The meaning of this term is unclear, but is the subject of intense philosophical debate among the learnéd. The dreaded question ‘what does BDSM mean to you?’ is enough to spark furious navel gazing — or perhaps true omphaloskepsis. So fervent is the concentration on matters philosophical, the learnéd have been known to miss religious experience-inducing play happening in the same room. (likely by disgusting pervs who think BDSM is about enjoyment)
BDSM, Real, n.:
  1. the BDSM I practice. Distinguished from other, inferior types of BDSM because it is practiced by me and not by others. Your kink is not my kink, and my kink is better. Nyah, nyah.
BDSM Club, n.:
  1. two people playing for the shock and horrification of five hundred camphone-wielding spectators. Cf. Play Party.
  2. A party.
Bisexuality, n. = Gk. “Αμφιφυλοφιλία” (amfifilofi'lia):
  1. a state of confusion. Bisexual males are confused closet homosexuals. Bisexual females are temporarily confused heterosexuals. Cf. perv, switch, which are similar states of extreme confusion.
  2. A sexuality characterised by intrinsic infidelity, as its members need sex with both sexes. Bisexuals are never to be trusted in a relationship.
  3. A sexuality whose subscribers must, in order to satisfy themselves, indulge in sexual congress with both sexes simultaneously.
Corset, n. Gk. “Κορσές” kor'ses:
  1. common attire exclusively available to female submissives.
  2. An item of clothing that, when donned, magically turns one into a submissive and either a slut or whore.
  3. An un-boned basque.
Europe, n = Gk. “Ευρώπη” ev'ropi. “Unlike in Greece, the scene in Europe is full of Real BDSMers”:
  1. when mentioned in the context of BDSM, Europe expressly excludes Greece (some have argued this is due to Greece being a US state. Possibly because of the number of Hummers, Baseball caps and people 5% of whose vocabulary is the word ‘cool’).
  2. A magical continent of Kink, where everyone has sexy feet and a crop, and everything is acceptable. The good thing about Europe is not so much that you can have sex in the streets in broad daylight. The good thing about Europe is that you will have sex in the streets in broad daylight. Everyone does. What are you, a prude? The capital of Europe is Amsterdam.
Extreme, adj. [no Gk. term, use Eng.]. “She is very extreme, she likes to blindfold her submissives”:
  1. something I don't like to do.
  2. Something I haven't done, which clearly implies I will never do.
  3. Something foreigners like to do. Examples of extreme activities: self-mutilation, bondage, wax on nipples, mistresses kissing submissives.
Fetish, n.:
  1. sexual attraction for body parts or inanimate objects (canonical definition in Europe). Fetishism is a sufficient condition for submissiveness: if one has a fetish, they are necessarily submissive. Each submissive is allowed up to one fetish, and up to one fetish only. Dominants (esp. Real Masters) must not have any fetishes.
  2. Sexual attraction to feet (canonical meaning in Greece).
  3. A ‘status’, which makes it mutually exclusive with all other role preferences and sexualities apart from submissiveness. It is acknowledged that this contradicts meaning ①. The author suspects a duality at play here similar to the wave/particle duality of light, but has been unable to shed sufficient light on the matter (pun [un]intended). When in doubt as to the correct definition, always choose meaning ②.
Fetishist, n.:
  1. see foot licker.
  2. someone who chooses to declare their fetish as their prime sexual orientation. This is a status, and thus the fetishist is not allowed to have other preferences. See fetish.
Flogging, n.:
  1. activity only enjoyed by the most extreme of sadists and masochists. Because of the exceptional pain and danger of flogging, it should be used for extreme punishment only.
  2. a BDSM activity where the giver repeatedly hits the receiver with a multi-tailed whip knows as a flogger or cat o' nine tails. This implement was used in times past as a means of painful execution or exceptional punishment. Thus, in the interest of safe, sane and consensual play, the subject of how many times one can be flogged before dying has been investigated (to death). Some masochists have attempted to destroy the proceedings by stating that this depends on a number of factors, but we, their betters, see this attempt to derail the issue for what it is. Yet other masochists have attempted to claim that even 1,000 strikes are possible, but we also know this to be an attempt to hide the truth. The right number of floggings any person can receive is twenty. Never flog anyone more than 40 times. This is always fatal. A further note on flogging technique: always flog away from larger bones. Fractured large bones hurt more than smaller ones. Areas with no bones are best. The areas around the kidneys and stomach are ideal. The face is also a good choice.
Foot licker, n.:
  1. a male over the age of twelve.
To Fuck, v. = Gk. “γαμάω” γam'ao:
  1. what a male does during any sexual tryst with a female or a homosexual male. A female or homosexual man never fucks. Even when the male is restrained, completely immobilised and passive and a female is riding him in wild abandon, he is still fucking her, and she is being fucked, the slithering, submissive slut. This verb is always in the active voice. A homosexual man can be fucked, and a woman can be fucked, but only a real man can fuck: the activity requires a live, natural penis belonging to a straight male of good standing (please excuse the cheap pun). Using the passive voice with a real man as the subject is an insult of immense proportions. It accuses the man of being gay. The real man can subsequently only prove his manhood and straight nature by fucking whoever issued the affront, be they male or female. As a corollary, a mistress never receives penetrative sex, as this would imply her submission to a male.
Gor, n.:
  1. a BDSM elite transplanted from the eponymous planet Gor to Earth (the Counter-Gor), to educate and enlighten the dregs of BDSM culture (everyone else). Goreans, as the members of this transplanted elite refer to themselves, belong to a culture where slaves have no rights, and are mere possessions. Goreans preach that safety, sanity and consent are irrelevant in True BDSM. Some heretics beg to differ. However, these are laughable, unimportant people who cannot name the slave positions in order, nor recite from all 198 Gor Books by heart. This conflict of opinion is thus as irrelevant as consent; Goreans are, after all, the undisputed Elite of the scene. Why, they are 24×7 lifestylers. Behold: even the lowliest, least trained Gorean Slavegirl (known as a Kajira) is higher than the best Real Master on the status ladder on account of their living the scene: Gorean Kajirae go to work naked and on all fours, while Gorean Freepersons are encouraged to avail themselves of the slavegirls at every opportunity conceivable. Etiquette in the presence of a member of the Gorean Elite requires one never to address a Kajira directly. Too, one is never, under any circumstances, to mention the term ‘role-playing’ — many Goreans have been known to spontaneously combust upon hearing this anathema.
Kinky, adj./n. [strictly no Gk. term, always use Eng.] :
  1. Nota Bene: this is not the same as female and male kinky people, for whom the Gk. word “βιτσιόζος” vit͡sʝ'ozos is used instead. In this dictionary, this is denoted by using ‘kinky’ as a noun, as it is attested in Gk. usage):
  2. the lowliest non-vanilla ‘status’.
  3. An otherwise vanilla person who owns a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, has tried the woman superior position but didn't like it, and has been fantasising about strap-on sex for years (but, to date, has not found the courage to suggest it to a lover). Kinkies have no fetishes.
  4. A derogatory term for activities I do not condone as ‘advanced’ enough to be construed BDSM, or activities I believe to be diluting purer, BDSM activities (running the unthinkable risk of reducing someone's status to kinky). “You licked whipped cream from her suspended, restrained body after you caned her? That's not BDSM, that's just kinky.
  5. The opposite of extreme.
Latex, n.:
  1. material exclusively available to slaves.
  2. Donning latex attire identifies one as (or converts one to) a slave.
Male Homosexuality, n.:
  1. many assert that this is in fact two distinct sexualities: active and passive homosexuality, and never the twain shall meet (except for sex). However, in actual fact, active homosexuality isn't homosexuality at all. There are no active homosexuals, a fact corroborated by the lack of a derogatory colloquialism for one. All male homosexuals are camp submissives on the receiving end of penetrative sex provided by Real Men who retain their heterosexuality. What one may at first confuse for an active male homosexual, is, in fact, a straight male. Even as he pile-drives his partner in wild abandon.
Masochist, n.:
  1. an otherwise vanilla person who enjoys receiving pain. This is a ‘status’. Being a masochist precludes one from belonging to any other BDSM status.
  2. A person who becomes aroused by pain. A masochist is a loathsome individual, so disgusting in sexuality that any pain arouses them. Walking into a tree will give a masochist an orgasm. A violent mugging followed by a painful rape is every masochist's ultimate fantasy.
  3. A person whose arousal depends exclusively on physical pain. Not being a Real BDSMer, a masochist shuns the glorious spirituality of the mind-games that are True BSDM (i.e., Gor). Their only concern in life is physical pain. A masochist's Holy Grail is a sadist, the only status that can please them.
Monogamy, n. = Gk. “μονογαμία” monoγa'mia:
  1. traditionally, the practice of taking only one wife, which clearly does not prohibit one from taking one wife and multiple mistresses. Note that this definition only applies to males acquiring female spouses. It does not stop women from acting in any way they desire, but all women are whores anyway and this practice is severely frowned upon both by men and other women.
  2. A practice functionally identical to Polyamory in its end result: Real Men get to go behind their partners' backs and fuck more women.
Mutable Sexuality, n.:
  1. gay males aren't born gay, they choose to be gay consciously, and they must be responsible for it. Alternatively, a gay male is born straight, but has experienced the degrading experience of having his sphincter tampered with (the touch of a female's finger is enough). A gay male will never change sexuality. Unlike the gay male's rectum, the Kinsey Scale is one-way. This offers an explanation as to why straight males must always act macho, lest they take little, unnoticed, yet irreversible steps towards homosexuality. No other transition can occur for males. On the other hand, gay females can revert back to straight by getting fucked by a male.
Orgy, n.:
  1. a sexual tryst involving four or more people. Cross-relationship sex is limited to the group's females having sex with each other, thereby selflessly protecting their male partners from the danger of homosexuality, potentially contracted via any physical contact between males. If this cannot, for some reason, be guaranteed, an orgy may take place in different rooms of the same dwelling, with the doors closed. One's immortal soul is more important than 2.5 minutes of extramarital perversion, anyway.
Party, n.:
  1. see BDSM Club.
Perv, n. [no Gk. term, use Eng.]:
  1. the most enlightened non-BDSM ‘status’: someone who will not commit to one role in BDSM, arguing that freedom of self-expression is more important than that.
  2. Someone, usually also a slut or whore, who claims to enjoy a wide range of activities traditionally exclusive to other ‘stati’.
  3. A person who refuses to accept the single-fetish quota, or the mutual exclusivity of the ‘stati’.
  4. A most frustrating person who cannot, for the life of them, decide what they want to be. Cf. bisexuality, switch, the other two examples of such abhorrent behaviour.
  5. A status no-one in their right mind should claim because it denotes dull, unfocused, haphazard deviance (but is nowhere near as bad as being a kinky. The word derives from ‘pervert’, but lacks the somewhat positive connotations. A few strange foreigners have tried to reclaim the word. They failed. Being a status, one who claims to be a perv cannot possibly be into BDSM. Signs of a perv: claiming one has more than one fetish; a domme who kisses her submissives; a mistress who has sex; anyone who challenges the status pyramid; anyone who thinks being a ‘perv’ is not such a bad thing and may in fact co-exist with other aspects of their sexuality.
Play Party, n.:
  1. four people playing for sixty embarrassed spectators.
  2. A BDSM Club.
Polyamori, adj. = Gk. “Πολυαμόρι” polia'mori (sic). “I am polyamori, I snuck out on my wife last night to have a threesome. Envy me!”:
  1. a person who experiences an abundance of sexual partners coupled with a dearth of morals.
Polyamory, n.:
  1. involving more than one person in sex. See swinging, orgy, threesome.
  2. See monogamy.
Sadist, n. = Gk. “σαδιστής” saði'stis:
  1. an otherwise vanilla person who enjoys giving pain. This is a ‘status’. Being a sadist precludes one from belonging to any other BDSM status. Corollary: the BDSM scene neither recognises nor condones the use of ‘sadistic’ as an adjective.
  2. A person who becomes aroused by causing pain. A sadist is a loathsome individual, so disgusting in sexuality that any giving of pain arouses them. True sadists are Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin and your dentist rolled into one, with some added mean streak and a history of mental illness in the family. Were the sadist's true love to fall under a freight train, the sadist would immediately orgasm. The sadist is portrayed best by the person who named the practice, the Marquis de Sade. The good Marquis correctly portrays the sadist is the amoral scum that he is.
  3. A person whose sexual arousal depends exclusively on causing pain. A sadist's only concern in a relationship is to cause physical and mental anguish, as they have no other way of being sexually satisfied. Not being Real BDSMers, they shun the glorious spirituality of the mind-games that are True BSDM (id est, Gor). Their only concern in life is causing physical pain. If there is one type of person who sinks deeper than a sadist, that is the masochist. Pray they find each other, and pray that they then leave us good, God-fearing people alone.
Safe, Sane and Consensual, adj.:
  1. a BDSM dogma practised in Europe and San Francisco. This only works for cold-blooded, calculating North European types who never really have sex anyway, as they are all gay asexuals. Everyone knows that in Real BDSM, safe play is no fun, sanity is in the eye of the beholder (all insane people are locked up anyway), and consent runs counter to the philosophy of BDSM. A slave has, after all, surrendered the right to give or deny consent. (as well as every other right)
Status, n. [no Gk. term, use Eng.]:
  1. term denoting the aggregation of mutually exclusive sexual preferences, BDSM role preferences, as well as other sexuality co-ordinate points. This is a complex concept to perceive for anyone who is not a Real BDSMer. Every person has exactly one status. The common stati form a ranking, hence the choice of term to allude to social status — a ladder to be climbed on the way to Real BDSM Enlightenment. From Great Unwashed to Sublimely Divine, the stati are: vanilla, kinky, masochist, fetishist, sadist, cross-dresser, transsexual, perv (sic — different to ‘pervert’, which is not a status), bottom (female and male), top (male and female), switch, submissive, dom/domme, slave (female considerably better than male), master/mistress, 24/7 Gorean slave, 24/7 Gorean Master/Mistress. This enlightened arrangement serves several purposes. It segregates the community for its own safety, and also serves self-discovery. A newcomer to the scene starts at the bottom of the pyramid (see below) working her way up. The lowest status the newcomer feels she belongs to even slightly is her status forever. Changing one's status is unacceptable — why has this person been lying to everyone all this time? The practice is sometimes undertaken as an insult or protest because everyone knows your status can never change for as long as you live. Corollaries: fetishists are not kinky; dominants are not kinky; cross-dressing is not a fetish; being a top is worse than being a slave; being a dominant is better than being a top; being a master or mistress is the best one can aspire to. If there is any doubt as to which status one belongs in, the lowest matching group is used. Doubt does not enter into True BDSM. People who doubt are probably vanilla.
Swinging, n.:
  1. the activity where a straight male forces his (invariably bisexual) partner to have sex with a female so he can watch, and then fuck the other female. This is considered a public service, especially if the other female is a lesbian, as it will show her the Right Way.
  2. the activity where a single male fucks a female while her partner watches. The single male's action thereby proves his manliness, and entitles him to brag to his friends about this “small-dicked little wanker who is so stupid and impotent he allows his wife to get fucked right in front of him while he sits and watches.” The female's involvement in swinging is, by definition, non-consensual.
Switch, n.:
  1. a mythical BDSM role. Supposedly, a switch is able and willing to take either the dominant or submissive role. This is known to be a complete fabrication, and all switches are lying bastards (probably playing the scene just for sex). Because of this clear duplicity, switches are not admitted to the ranks of the Real BDSMers, staying forever in the limbo of mediocrity.
  2. An impure ‘status’, because it seems to share traits that the status dogma considers mutually exclusive (how can a dominant enjoy being tied up?)
  3. A preference that worries both dominants and submissives: the former worry that switches will turn within scene-space and fuck them. The latter loathe the inability of a switch to display the utter lack of empathy that is so lavished on submissives by Real Masters.
  4. A BDSM preference that does everything by halves. Switches never enter into relationships with heavy power exchange.
  5. Someone who needs to be simultaneously submissive and dominant with the same person. Corollary: a switch can only negotiate a scene with another switch.
  6. A confused submissive.
  7. A confused dominant.
  8. A confused perv.
  9. Someone who lies about their preferences until the object of their desire reveals their preference. A hypocrite.
Threesome, n.:
  1. a male and two females having sex. Some dreamers have dared to suggest the term could also cover three females having sex, but let us hasten to remind them: there can be no sex without a penis present and involved. At best, this completely hypothetical three-girl bedding can only be some harmless girly fun, full of giggles and cupcakes. They probably keep all their clothes on.
Torture Garden, n.:
  1. the world's best Play Party. It is considered disgusting and extreme due to it hailing from Europe. Torture Garden is so perverse, it features people wearing corsets who are not slaves! (or, in some cases, female)
True BDSM, n.:
  1. see Real BDSM.
Trust, n.:
  1. something only discussed between touchy-feely fake BDSMers and hippies. A Real practitioner of the dark arts of BDSM knows that trust is only an issue among vanilla people. The very fact that one is a Real Master means they are inherently and ultimately trustworthy and would never, ever flog their submissive's face. See (the uselessness of) Safe, Sane and Consensual.
Vanilla, n/adj. [no Gk. term, use Eng.]:
  1. the lowest possible ‘status’, marking complete outsiders to the scene, even more complete outsiders than the Kinkies or masochists.
  2. A bigot. ~ people lack the open mind of even the lowliest member of the BDSM community, including other outsiders.
  3. A boring lover. ~ people only ever use the missionary position.
  4. Someone without fetishes or sexual fantasies.
  5. What everyone is in comparison to me.

Abbreviations

Acc.
The Accusative noun case.
adj.
Adjective.
cf.
Compare.
Eng.
English.
Gen.
The Genitive noun case.
Gk.
Greek.
IPA
The International Phonetic Alphabet.
n.
Noun.
Nom.
The Nominative noun case.
Pl.
Plural.
Sng.
Singular.
Voc.
The Vocative noun case.

Index